Thank you, Pinterest, for Ruining My Life

Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, the hashtag, and all other forms of social media have revolutionized our lives.

http://iconion.com/posts/social-media-icons-1.html

Back in the day, life went something like this:
You grow up.  You go to college.  At some point you meet someone nice and get engaged.  Either outdoors or in a photo studio, you get a nice headshot of yourselves that you stick on a trifold wedding announcement.  People come to your country club or reception center or church gym and congratulate you.  You get jobs, buy a house, try to make sure everyone gets fed every day, have kids, and do the best you can.  The kids grow up, you grow old, and that is that.

Now, life goes a little something like this:

You grow up.  You decide you're going to go to college, but first you take 236 really awesome senior pictures at 18 different locations in 33 color-coordinating outfits with matching Jamberry nails.  You go to college where you spend most of your time checking people out, swiping right or left, posting selfies of your super-awesome weekend activities, and snap-chatting people from class (which is SOOO boring).

http://www.buzzfeed.com/colinheasley/i-am-in-no-mood-to-give-consequence-to-young-ladies-who-are#.nhNGnNgOm 

Eventually you fall in love.  You make a photo montage of every date you have ever been on.  He proposes on the beach as your whole family and everyone you know comes out singing and dancing in the largest flashmob you've ever seen--meanwhile, a trusty photographer is capturing exactly 543 photos of your reaction to every word.  You receive a swoon-worthy ring that you immediately upload photos of, and receive 236 "likes" in the first 7 minutes and 43 seconds.

http://localcolour.co/the-appeal-of-proposing-with-an-antique-engagement-ring/

Immediately, you begin planning the perfect shabby chic vintage wedding.  For four months straight, you glue lace and burlap onto old mason jars and sew table runners.

http://www.weddingcolors.net/mint-burlap-lace-rustic-barn-weddingashlyn-seth.html

You make sure all of the groomsman have coordinating socks, because who doesn't want a picture of all the men's shoes and socks?  Additionally, you scour every store, trying to make sure the coral skirts you picked out for your bridesmaids will come in every size you need.

http://www.hitchandsparrow.com/blog/2013/08/collin-and-christy/

You consider eloping, but then who would get fuzzy, faded pictures of you driving off into your wedded, blissful future while your wedding guests wave their sparklers and cheer?

http://greenweddingshoes.com/autumn-woodland-wedding-natalie-mark/

Once the wedding has passed, you are stuck posting status updates like, "Look who made me breakfast!" #sweetesthusbandever, which frankly make everyone whose husband is still in bed want to punch you in the face (#takethat) and everyone who is still single to find the nearest toilet and puke or crawl in a corner and cry (#single4ever).

One day, you find out you're expecting.  An announcement must be made.  But how?  Photo shoot?  Jar of Prego spaghetti sauce?  Little shoes in front of your belly?  A bun in the oven?  A parody you sing on YouTube?  A picture of a stick you just had in the bathroom with you?  (Because that's not gross at all...)

http://www.babyannouncementideas.info/bun-in-the-oven-pregnancy-announcement-ideas/

It is exhausting to try one-upping the whole world with a baby announcement, but at 20 weeks, you know you'll find out the gender of this little human, which requires you to do something even more major, something memorable, something Instagram worthy.  In other words, it must be EPIC.  

Despite still occasionally feeling like you're riding on storm-tossed waves in the ocean, you put together a small neighborhood party (roughly the size of your wedding reception) that includes a photo booth, boxes with balloons that will pop out in the gender appropriate color, cupcakes that will shoot out confetti and scream, "It's a girl!" as soon as someone bites into them, and just for good measure, you even have the ultrasound tech come to your house with her machine--so that everyone can experience the moment together.

http://mother2kings.blogspot.com/2014/01/11-steps-to-tasteful-fun-gender-reveal.html?m=1

Somehow, after your giant gender reveal, you make it 20 more weeks to your baby's birth.

There in the hospital, you can't imagine missing the first, precious, alien-like moments of your baby's life, so you hire a birth photographer to come be there with you, the doctor, the nurse, the husband, the doula, and anyone else who might want to stop by.

http://www.parents.com/pregnancy/giving-birth/labor-and-delivery/what-no-one-tells-you-about-labor/?socsrc=pmmpin130509pregNoOneTellsLabor#page=1 

Because, for only $365, your most intimate and horrific moments can be captured for all time, along with the least attractive moments of your baby's life--in case you ever need those fresh new moments for a senior video someday.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/165776913/vintage-tutu-baby-tutu-infant-tutu-baby?ref=unav_listing-other

Two weeks pass and your baby no longer looks like E.T. (and you only look 5 months pregnant instead of 9) so you schedule a family photo shoot.  The photographer comes back and for only $250 more, you can hold your little naked baby, bundle her in a basket, dress her in a tutu and pearls, try out 32 crocheted hats and diaper covers (coordinating, of course) and hold your breath that she doesn't wake up or have an accident before you have captured what is going to turn into the world's most swoon-worthy baby announcement of all time--a collage with 9 pictures and 7 fonts, all in 3 coordinated colors that match the baby nursery.

Which, by the way, was worth every bit of the the 8.5 months worth of work, 7 fights, and 385 hours it took to create.  I mean, it was a little tricky refinishing all the furniture and distressing it when you were as big as the state of Virginia, but it's amazing what a little Annie Sloan chalk paint can do to warm up a space!

Luckily for you, you're a planner and had the baby's unique name picked out long before she was born, so you were able to get her name in block letters up on the wall above her crib (below her coordinated pennant banner) with months to spare.  You even had time to hang your tissue paper puff balls from the ceiling.

http://houseofroseblog.com/baby-nursery-ideas-for-girls-on-a-budget/baby-girl-nursery-room-decor-2/

Now, all you have to do is sit back and make sure you do NOT forget all of her month-a-versaries, where you'll stick an adorable "1 month" sticker on her onesie and get a photo, followed next month (in the exact same position with the same stuffed animal next to her on the same star swaddle blanket) with her "2 month" sticker on.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/175684653/baby-month-stickers-baby-monthly?ref=shop_home_active_19

Of course, it will get a little tricky once she's 11 months and totally mobile, but persistence is key!

Persistence is also key in your own journey as a new mom.  Don't be discouraged if you still look pregnant.  There is a beach body coach ready to help you look like Jillian Michaels in only 21 days.  You'll have so much energy you can start your own business selling Scentsy, Tupperware, Jamberry, Melaluca, Avon, Mary Kay, Nerium, It Works! and Usborne--all while becoming a 21-Day Fix coach yourself (to inspire others, you know.  I mean, it's not fair for you to look so good when everyone else is still so...fat).

http://healthyfeelshappy.com/2014/08/10/21-day-fix-day-14/

All of this hard work is just leading up to the big shebang--Your baby's first birthday.  Thank goodness you've earned an extra $85,000 from home and look like a supermodel!

The birthday party will, of course, start with a theme (which the one-year-old will not care about in the least) and will somehow top both your wedding reception and your gender reveal party.  You will be expected to make a themed "Buddy the Cake Boss" quality cake for the occasion (which, being four full layers will feed approximately 200 people...luckily!  You invited everyone!).  You will also need to have a smash cake for the birthday girl--pink, with roses all around the outside so that you can get yet another photo shoot in--this time of her eating in in her tutu and pearls with balloons in the background.

http://www.popsugar.com/moms/photo-gallery/34633989/image/34634052/Rose-Swirled-Smash-Cake

There should be drinks that come in cute glasses with patterned straws, food that has adorable labels (because how else would someone know they are picking up a sandwich and a chocolate chip cookie with a glass of lemonade on the side?!), a photo booth with props, party favors, and if you're an especially good parent, a piñata.  (Because a one year old can totally bust that thing open...)

http://catchmyparty.com/photos/2141645
Yes, this is real.  And it happened.  

Are you exhausted yet?  Because I am.

Your child has barely learned to walk.  You haven't even hit the terrible twos.  Or the Pinterest crafts and school prep activities with sensory tables and Q-tips.  Or the handmade Christmas gifts involving foot and handprints.  Or all the ways to file school projects, be the perfect room mom, and still find time to make your own laundry soap, make 30 days worth of healthy meals (that are MSG, preservative, and gluten free), and still have time to pick coordinating outfits for the next family photo shoot.

No wonder people are having fewer children.

Thank you, Pinterest, for ruining my life.

Maybe this year we'll go to K-Mart for a family picture and just call it good.
I hope they still have the star background.
Or the American flag.

#momoftheyear